为什么亚洲人不对父母说“我爱你”

“I love you, mom, dad.”

“我爱你们，妈妈，爸爸。”

That’s something we hear children and adults alike say to their parents in movies and TV shows. And in everyday life, of course.

这是我们在电影和电视节目中听到孩子和成人对他们的父母说的话。当然，在日常生活中也是如此。



But funnily enough, be it in reality or the fictional worlds, the phrase of affection “I love you” is rarely uttered by Asians to their parents, whether in English or in their mother tongue.

但有趣的是，无论是现实世界还是虚构世界，亚洲人很少对父母说出“我爱你”这句深情的话，无论是用英语还是母语。

I’m admittedly one of these Asians. Never once have I said “I love you” to the folks face-to-face or even over the phone. To me, it’s a strange thing to do.

诚然，我是这些亚洲人中的一员。我从来没有当面甚至通过电话对人们说“我爱你”。对我来说，这是一件很奇怪的事情。

Why?

为什么？

Recently, I chanced upon an interesting article about this phenomenon. It suggests Confucian teachings and Asians who tend to educate their children with negative language (or aren’t good at expressing positive emotion) may be why many Asians hesitate to say these three words to the family.

最近，我偶然看到一篇关于这种现象的有趣文章。 研究表明，儒家教义和亚洲人倾向于用负面语言（或不善于表达积极情绪）来教育孩子，这可能是许多亚洲人不愿对家人说这三个字的原因。

This arguably makes sense. A lot of the time, Asian kids grow up on the receiving end of countless dictator-esque verbal instructions. Typical Asian parents are known to constantly chide their offspring for not getting straight A’s in their exams, for not practicing their musical instrument or for playing under the hot sun.

这可以说是有道理的。很多时候，亚洲孩子在接受无数独裁式的口头指令的情况下长大。众所周知，典型的亚洲父母经常责备他们的孩子，因为他们在考试中没有拿到全A，因为他们不练习乐器，或者在烈日下玩耍。

These scenes are some of the most vivid ones of my childhood and to this day my mum’s nagging still rings in my ears. I never forgot and still remember how unhappy I was on these occasions. Consequently, hostility towards our Asian parents may consciously or unconsciously build up within us when we are naïve kids and stick to our heart as we grow older – affection are hardly allowed to thrive.

这些场景是我童年时期印象最深刻的场景之一，直到今天，妈妈的唠叨仍在我耳边回荡。我从来没有忘记，也仍然记得我在这些场合是多么不开心。因此，当我们还是不成熟的孩子的时候，对亚洲父母的敌意可能会有意识或无意识地在我们心中建立起来，随着年龄的增长，这种敌意会一直存在于我们的心里——亲情很难增长。

Secondly, Asian culture prides achievement and saying “I love you” can make an Asian person look like they’re wavering from reaching their next milestone. Metaphorically, many Asians frequently keep a focused eye on the prize. Just look at the late night overtime work culture in Hong Kong and Singapore. Accordingly, family time is limited and come such occasions, we’re at a loss to vocally express affection to our parents face-to-face – we simply don’t think about doing so in the first place, being so absorbed in chasing chimeras.

其次，亚洲文化以成就为傲，说“我爱你”会让一个亚洲人看起来对达到下一个成就里程碑犹豫不决。打个比方说，许多亚洲人经常把注意力集中在实现自身价值上。只要看看香港和新加坡的深夜加班文化就知道了。因此，和家人在一起的时间是有限的，遇到这样的场合，我们不知所措，无法面对面地向父母表达我们的感情——我们根本就没有想过这样做，因为我们太专注于追逐目标。

Or perhaps many Asians are just (stereotypically) too shy to “talk back” to their elders at home and tell them that they love them in their face.

又或者，许多亚洲人只是太害羞了(刻板印象)，不敢在家里跟长辈“顶嘴”，也不敢当面告诉他们自己爱他们。

All this doesn’t mean Asians don’t love their parents. One can say we often express gratitude to our family through unspoken means (this is not to say other races don’t do this. I’m sure they do too). And actions speak louder than words.

但这一切并不意味着亚洲人不爱他们的父母。可以说，我们经常通过心照不宣的方式表达对家人的感激之情(当然这并不是说其他种族不会这样做。我相信他们也一样)。行动比语言更响亮。

Many of us (grudgingly) take up music lessons because we realise our parents are lucky enough to give us the opportunity to do so, or at least realise this when we’re older. A lot of us are typical Asian nerds, studying hard and graduating with decent grades to make our nagging parents proud. Symbolic forms of love.

我们中的许多人(不情愿地)上音乐课，因为我们意识到我们的父母很幸运地给了我们这样的机会，或者至少在我们长大后意识到了这一点。我们很多人都是典型的亚洲书呆子，努力学习，以不错的成绩毕业，让唠叨的父母感到骄傲。这其实也是爱的表达形式。

Some of us materialistically treat our parents to lavish banquets to express our love. Then there’s not forgetting filial piety, a virtue valued by many Asians.

我们中的一些人为了表达对父母的爱，会用丰盛的宴席款待父母。此外，也别忘了孝顺，这是许多亚洲人所推崇的美德。

I remember once as a kid I decided to show my appreciation to my parents. When I was living in Malaysia, nine year old me made a shabby paper bird sculpture to give to dad on his birthday. When I presented it to him, he said with a furrowed face, “What’s this?”, callously flicked it aside and went back to reading the paper. I never saw that sculpture again.

我记得当我还是个孩子的时候，我决定向我的父母表达我的感激之情。在马来西亚生活的时候，九岁的我做了一个破旧的纸鸟雕塑，在爸爸生日那天送给了他。当我把它拿给他时，他皱着眉头说:“这是什么?然后冷酷地把它弹到一边，继续看报纸。这之后我再也没见过那个雕塑。

At the end of the day, as the saying goes, it’s the thought that counts. Sure, many of us Asians might not say “I love you” to our parents, but deep down I bet we do treasure the love our parents have for us. After all, just like any random person next to us, we’re all people with feelings, social creatures of some sort that need to love and be loved in return.

俗话说，在一天结束的时候，思想才是最重要的。当然，我们很多亚洲人可能不会对父母说“我爱你”，但我敢打赌，在内心深处，我们确实珍惜父母对我们的爱。毕竟，就像我们身边的任何一个人一样，我们都是有感情的人，都是某种需要爱和被爱的社会生物。

Do you say “I love you” to your parents, or do your kids say this to you?

你对你的父母说过“我爱你”，还是你的孩子对你说过“我爱你”吗?
 

Leanne Cole
It is interesting you write about this Mabel, as when I was growing up they were words that were never uttered in my family, I’m not Asian, but still, no one every showed any endearments, or affection. The stiff upper lip British thing, I suspect. I think it is American Television that changed that mostly. We were shown these families and how families should act. It kind of destroyed a lot of things, kids aren’t displined anymore because on TV you are friends with your children, such a lot of rubbish. You are a parent, be their parent, don’t be their friend.

梅布尔，你写的这些很有趣，因为在我成长的过程中，这些词在我的家庭中从来没有出现过，我不是亚洲人，但仍然没有人表现出任何亲昵或喜爱。我猜这是因为英国人的严肃作风吧。我认为是美国电视剧最大程度地改变了这一点。我们看到了这些家庭以及家庭成员之间应该如何行事。但这也破坏了很多东西，孩子们不再遵守纪律，因为他们在电视上看到父母和他们的孩子是朋友，这太糟糕了。你是他们的父母，就应该做他们的父母，而不是做他们的朋友。

Mabel Kwong
That’s so true. I remember growing up there were a lot of American-family sitcoms on TV which my parents encouraged me to watch. I think one reason why I never learnt to say “I love you” to my parents from these programs is mainly because I couldn’t identify with them culturally.
Like you, I have also never understood why some parents want to be their children’s “friend”. Those who claim to be their children’s best friend, I usually chuckle inside – I’ve never seen an adult running around the playground and sliding down the slides with a bunch of 5 or 6 six year olds in the playground

这是真的。我记得在我成长的过程中，电视上有很多美国家庭情景喜剧，我的父母鼓励我去看。我想在这些节目中，我从来没有学会对父母说“我爱你”的一个原因，主要是因为我在文化上无法与他们产生共鸣。和你一样，我也一直不明白为什么有些父母想成为孩子的“朋友”。对于那些声称自己是孩子们最好的朋友的人，我通常会暗自发笑——我从来没有见过一个成年人和一群5、6岁的孩子们在操场上一起奔跑，一起滑下滑梯。

Jeanne
You are so wrong. I was that parent and my daughter grew up to be a happy and healthy ,over -achieving, productive person. If you show them how much fun life is and show your children empathy and true love- they will flourish. I was a true friend of sorts to my daughter. I had a son who died when my only other child -a girl was five weeks old. So I cherished every day with her and loved playing with her. I personally feel very sorry for children who have mean -distant, rigid, authoritarian parents. Those children never learn about real love and joy- until they get as far away from those parents as they possibly can.

你大错特错了。我就是那种家长，而我的女儿也成长为了一个快乐、健康、取得了成就、工作富有成效的人。如果你向他们展示生活有多么有趣，向他们展示出同理心和真爱——他们就会茁壮成长。我算是我女儿真正的朋友。我有一个儿子，在我女儿五周大的时候去世了。所以我珍惜和她在一起的每一天，喜欢和她一起玩。我个人对那些在刻薄、冷漠、严厉、专制的父母的教育下成长的孩子感到非常难过。这些孩子永远感受不到真正的爱和快乐——直到他们尽可能地远离他们的父母。

Mabel Kwong
There are certainly different parenting styles, none right and none wrong. Very good to hear your daughter grew up seeing the fun and positive side of life, and driven to be the best person she can be. A little encouragement can go a long way.

每个人当然有不同的教育方式，没有对错之分。很高兴听到您的女儿在成长过程中看到了生活的乐趣和积极的一面，并努力成为很棒的人。一个小的鼓励往往会有很大的帮助。

Conrad
You will forget what someone said, or even what someone did, but you will never forget how someone made you feel.

你也许会忘记某人说了什么，甚至做了什么，但你永远不会忘记某人带给你的感受。

Connie Hanks
We do say “I love you” a lot in my family. I heard it lots and said it lots as a kid and continue with my husband and daughters. We’re a pretty lovey family. I will say though, I’ve been working with my 7 yr old She’s pretty stinkin’ cute and uses those 3 little words to get out of trouble a little too often!

我们家经常说“我爱你”。我小时候听过很多次，也说过很多次，对我的丈夫和女儿也是如此。我们是一个非常有爱的家庭。不过我要说的是，我一直在和我7岁的女儿一起玩耍。她非常可爱，经常用这三个字来摆脱麻烦!

Mabel Kwong
Your family sounds like a very close-knit and cozy one. Saying “I love you” can be the first step to understanding our love for one another. A lot of us say it so often, there’s just bound to be some point in our lives where we will realise that we say this phrase so much – and so learn what it means and show love. I hope your seven year old learns to bake you some cookies or helps you with the shopping some day

你的家庭听起来是一个非常亲密舒适的家庭。说“我爱你”是理解我们彼此相爱的第一步。我们很多人都经常说这句话，在我们生活中的某个时刻，我们一定会意识到我们说了这句话这么多次，所以要了解它的含义并学会表达爱。我希望你七岁的孩子有一天能学会给你烤饼干或帮你购物

Hsin-Yi Lo
It’s true you rarely hear an Asian (East Asians I am talking about) say “I love you” to their parents. Some people might find it odd, but I don’t at all because (forgive me for saying this) sometimes talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. Some people say “I love you” and they don’t even mean it. And “I love you” in Chinese (which is ‘wo ai ni’) usually denotes romantic love, whereas in English it is used interchangeably between family, friendship and romantic love.
I have to question that author who alleged that Confucian teachings have negative language components. Confucius teaches us to respect our elders and parents, but I don’t think he said parents can rule their children with an iron-fist – I think a lot of people these days have misinterpreted Confucius’ philosophies and teachings – especially the West who have very limited, naive and provincial understanding of Chinese philosophy.

的确，你很少听到一个亚洲人(我说的是东亚人)对他们的父母说“我爱你”。有些人可能会觉得奇怪，但我一点也不觉得奇怪，因为(请原谅我这么说)有时空谈是廉价的，行动胜于语言。有些人说“我爱你”时他们甚至不是真心的。“我爱你”在中文中通常表示浪漫的爱情，而在英语中，它可以普遍适用于亲情、友情和浪漫的爱情。我不得不质疑那个声称儒家教义有消极语言成分的作者。孔子教导我们要尊重长辈和父母，但我不认为他是在说父母可以用铁拳来教育他们的孩子——我认为现在很多人都误解了孔子的哲学和教义——尤其是西方人，他们对中国哲学的理解非常有限、幼稚和狭隘。

Mabel Kwong
Yeah, East Asians. I should have made that more clear in the post. Yes, “I love you” is used rather loosely today. Sometimes it’s just a repetitive phrase some people (Westerners mostly) say to their parents when they leave the house in the morning for school or work. It’s as if some say the three words because, well, it’s such an ingrained greeting or parting words. But I suppose if you can genuinely show love and affection in unspoken means, then I think that’s the most important thing and shows you have good character.

是的，东亚人，我应该在文章中更清楚地说明这一点。是的，“我爱你”在今天的使用相当宽泛。有时，这只是一些人（主要是西方人）在早上离开家去上学或工作时对父母说的一个重复短语。就好像有些人说这三个字是因为，好吧，这是根深蒂固的问候语或离别语。但我想如果你能用不言而喻的方式真诚地表达爱和感情，我认为那是最重要的，并且表明你有良好的品格。

Matthew Curry
It makes me sad about your dad flicking your paper bird aside. That was a sweet thing for you to do.

你爸把你的纸鸟扔到一边让我感到很难过。你这么做真是太贴心了。

Mabel Kwong
Thanks, Matthew, but don’t be sad! I don’t like my readers to be sad! That little incident won’t stop my from being nice to people around me

谢谢你，马修，但是不要伤心!我不喜欢我的读者感到悲伤!那个小事件不会阻止我对周围的人的爱

cattiedemand
Actually you make a point, even I myself don’t say “I love you” face to face but I do say it through text if that makes a diff? haha! But yeah, I’m more comfortable with expressing my love through actions. It was mean though that your dad just ignored the gift you made. I remember, I used to make things taught to me by Art Attack, I don’t know if you’re familiar with it but I used to love making artsy stuff for my parents since I didn’t have any cash yet. Hehe

实际上你说得很有道理，即使我自己也不会当面说“我爱你”，但我会通过短信说，如果这有区别的话?哈哈！但是是的，我更喜欢用行动来表达我的爱。你爸爸对你做的礼物视而不见，这很不好。我记得，我曾经做过《艺术创想》教我的东西，我不知道你是否熟悉，但我曾经喜欢为我的父母做了一些手工艺术品，因为那时我还没有钱，呵呵

Mabel Kwong
So nice of you to tell your parents that you love them by text! Though I must say I’ve seen people tend to use the more informal “love you” as opposed to “I love you” when texting. Quite a few of the commentors have also said they express love through actions. Love is a feeling, a feeling I presume starts from the heart and spreads through the rest of the body, and so maybe for a lot of us it is natural to “act out” love as opposed to saying it…which usually takes some effort especially when we are nervous.
I don’t think my dad was being mean. I think he was reading the paper in his down time and I had the naughty nerve to disturb him! I loved Art Attack as a kid. Being a person who is bad at crafts, I was fascinated by how lovely the art works turned out on the kids show.

你用短信告诉父母你爱他们真是太好了!虽然我必须说我看到人们在发短信时更倾向于使用非正式的“爱你”，而不是“我爱你”。不少评论者还表示，他们会用行动来表达爱。爱是一种感觉，我认为这种感觉始于内心，并通过身体的其他部位传播，所以对我们很多人来说，“表现”出爱而不是说出来是很自然的……要说出来通常需要一些努力，尤其是当我们很紧张的时候。我不觉得我爸很刻薄。我想他在休息的时候正在看报纸，而我居然有胆量去打扰他!我小时候很喜欢看《艺术创想》这个节目。作为一个不擅长手工的人，我被儿童节目中可爱的艺术作品所吸引了。

cattiedemand
I think we just have our own ways, depends on how we were raised

我认为每个人都有自己表达爱的方式，这取决于我们是如何被养育长大的

Mabel Kwong
Yeah, definitely! We’re all raised differently. Each parent has a different style of bringing up their kids; one Asian parent might teach their kids to say, “I love you”, while another Asian parent might not. This could be due to the Asian parents’ education, personality and understanding of culture and life in general.

是的,当然!我们成长的环境都不一样。每个父母都有不同的养育孩子的方式;一个亚洲父母可能会教他们的孩子说“我爱你”，而另一个亚洲父母则可能不会。这可能与亚洲父母的教育程度、性格以及对文化和生活的理解有关。

CrazyChineseFamily
Reading through this reminded me of the stories my wife told me about her mother. Usually nothing was ever really good enough, when she was one of the top students in her high school later her mom asked “Why are you not the best?” and so forth.
Usually her mother always had something to critizise but nowadays everything she does is perfect. So her mom showed two very different extremes within few years in between.
Now my wife is not worrying anymore to “please” her mother and she is rather proud that she has won every argument since she moved abroad. When I asked her if she ever said “I love you” to her parents she was just looking at me “I have never, no one in China does that after they go through hell with their parents!”. But in the end she still “loves” her parents even if she does not say so aloud

读完这篇文章，我想起了妻子告诉我的关于她母亲的故事。在她母亲看来，通常没有什么是真的足够好，当她是高中的尖子生之一时，她妈妈问她:“为什么你不是最好的?”等等。通常她妈妈总是会有一些批评，但现在她所做的一切都是完美的。所以她妈妈在这几年间表现出了两个截然不同的极端。现在我的妻子不再担心需要“取悦”她的母亲，她相当自豪，因为她移居国外后赢得了每一次辩论。当我问她是否曾经对她的父母说过“我爱你”时，她只是看着我，“我从来没有，在中国没有人在和父母一起经历了地狱般的磨难之后会这么做!”但她仍然是“爱”她的父母的，即使她没有大声说出来。

Mabel Kwong
Wow…your wife has “won every argument since she moved abroad”My mum was quite similar to your mother-in-law as I was growing up and it was a challenging time for me then – positive emotion wasn’t floating around too much. So I completely understand why your wife told you what she told you. I guess this kind of upbringing has taught us to be tough, to be strong-minded, to think for ourselves and to be thoughtful.

哇…你的妻子“赢得了她移居国外后的每一场辩论”在我成长的过程中，我的母亲和你的岳母非常相似，那对我来说是一个充满挑战的时期-没有太多积极的情绪。所以我完全理解你妻子为什么会告诉你那些事。我想这种成长教育教会了我们要坚强，要有主见，要独立思考，要有思想。

Dalo 2013
Interesting, I could say it freely to my mom…but a son to a dad, never. As for a cultural thing with Asians, I have had many of my Chinese friends mention that they never say I love you to their parents (or spouses) because it is the way they were brought up.

有趣的是，我可以对我妈妈这么说，但对爸爸说，我是永远不会说的。至于亚洲人的文化问题，我有很多中国朋友提到，他们从来没有对父母(或配偶)说过我爱你，因为他们就是这样长大的。

remy nova
That’s quite untrue, I’ve known lots of asians who said I love you to their moms, hug and kiss them. I’m lao Though, don’t know about other asians, I assume it would be the same.

这是不真实的，我知道很多亚洲人对他们的妈妈说我爱你，拥抱和亲吻她们。我是老挝人，我不知道其他亚洲人的情况，但我想也是一样的。

Mabel Kwong
I suppose in some parts of the world Asians do say “I love you” to their parents and show physical affection towards them. Depends on upbringing and the community around them.

我想在世界的某些地方，亚洲人确实会对他们的父母说“我爱你”，并对他们表达身体上的情感。这取决于他们的教育程度和周围的社会文化。

Jessica
A great topic, Mabel. I was always surprised by Asian parenting styles and that Asian parents don’t tell their children they love them, either. My parents tell me they love me all the time, and I tell them the same. To me, to not say I love you would feel weird. But it’s all cultural. What your dad did to your bird sculpture at nine years old was harsh, but it all goes along with other standards put in place, which you mentioned. “Keep your eye on the prize,” etc. I read the book “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” a while back, and I was shocked by how harsh she was with her children. But some of her criticisms of Western parenting really do ring true. A society that wants to make sure everyone gets a prize just for participating leads to a mediocre people and expectations. There are too many examples of that here in the States.
I guess my question for you is: Will you tell your children you love them? My Taiwanese friends told me that their parents had never said “I love you” but that they were planning to tell their own children those three sacred words. I really do think certain traditions are changing in Asia.

好话题，梅布尔。我总是对亚洲的教育方式感到惊讶，亚洲父母也不会告诉他们的孩子他们爱他们。我的父母告诉我他们一直爱我，我也会这样告诉他们。对我来说，不说我爱你会感觉很奇怪。但这都是文化因素。你父亲在你九岁时对你的鸟雕塑所做的事很刻薄，但这一切都符合你提到的其他标准。“把注意力集中在实现自身价值上”等等。不久前我读了《虎妈战歌》这本书，她对孩子的严厉令我震惊。但她对西方教育方式的一些批评确实是对的。一个希望确保每个人都能因为参与就能获得奖励的社会，会导致人民的平庸和碌碌无为。在美国这样的例子太多了。我想我的问题是:你会告诉你的孩子你爱他们吗?我的台湾朋友告诉我，他们的父母从来没有说过“我爱你”，但他们打算对自己的孩子说这三个神圣的字。我真的认为亚洲的某些传统正在改变。

Mabel Kwong
I think you’re right in that it’s all cultural. I think many Asian parents expect their children to be hard and tough, hard and tough just like them growing up in dilapidated shop houses or bending over in the hot sun planting rice in paddy fields. I hope to have some time to read that book you mentioned, always wanted too. Something tells me I will be nodding along with what is said in the book. But there are parts of the general Western parenting style that I like – like encouraging their children to be creative and experiment to their hearts desire.
Your question to me is an interesting one. If I ever do have children either biologically or through adoption, I won’t rule out saying the three words to them completely. Won’t really be certain until the time comes. I see myself as a very creative person who expresses myself through actions, writing and music. Naturally I prefer to “show” rather than “tell” and in my whole life I have found saying “I love you”, to anyone, weird.

我觉得你说得对，这都是文化使然。我想很多亚洲父母都希望他们的孩子更加坚强，就像他们是在破旧的商店里长大，或者在烈日下弯着腰在稻田里种水稻一样。我希望有时间能读你提到的那本书，我也一直想读。直觉告诉我，我会认同书里说的话。但我也喜欢西方教育方式中的某些部分，比如鼓励孩子们有创造力，随心所欲地去尝试等。你问我的问题很有趣。如果我真的有了孩子，无论是亲生的还是收养的，我不排除对他们说这三个字。但在那一刻到来之前，我无法确定。我认为自己是一个非常有创造力的人，通过行动、写作和音乐来表达自己。当然，我更喜欢“展示”而不是“讲述”，在我的一生中，我发现对任何人说“我爱你”都很奇怪。

YKK
Why should western ways of being so expressive in saying “I love you” matter so much when they are the ones with the highest number of divorces & breakups in relationship. Love is much deeper than words, hugs & kisses!
I’m sure you know Chinese have four ways and different words to express “love” – 1. love between husband and wife. 2. love between parent, children, uncles, aunties 3. love between brothers, sisters, friends 4. love between students and teachers. If English words are less ambiguous and more specific, perhaps their family and personal life will be more orderly, respectful (to elderly) and less scandalous (eg sex between uncle & niece).

为什么西方认为表达“我爱你”的方式如此重要，因为他们是离婚和分手人数最多的国家。爱本就是比言语、拥抱和亲吻更深沉的东西！我相信你知道中文有四种方式和不同的词来表达“爱”—1. 夫妻之间的爱。2.父母、孩子、叔叔、阿姨之间的爱。3.兄弟、姐妹、朋友之间的爱。4.学生与老师之间的爱。如果英语单词不那么含糊而更加具体，也许西方人的家庭和个人生活会更有秩序、会更加尊重他人（如对老人）和发生更少的丑闻（例如叔叔和侄女之间的乱L行为）。